Ethan has been going to therapy for a couple of weeks because his boss suggests he must get his mind straight. Luckily, Chef Kevin knows a friend who can help Ethan with his problems. Luckily, his psychiatrist lives 10 minutes from his friend’s place where he lives there for now because he moved out from his basement apartment after Esther broke up with him. “Ethan. You’re 15 minutes late to your appointment. Again,” Dr Hong facepalmed. “Have a seat.” Ethan lay down on his inclined bed. He pulled out his papers. “Listen Ethan. This is our third appointment and we’re not getting anywhere. You said that you’re suffering from extreme depression but that’s about it. Let’s try this again. And this time, let’s not waste each other’s time. Now, what’s on your mind?” Ethan tries to unpack whatever is in his head.

“Every time I’m at work, I always think of her. All the times I screwed up in our relationship, I wish I can go back in time to undo my mistakes. One day at work, I accidentally started a fire because I had a squeeze bottle of oil and it spilled all over the hot stove top causing a fire. I wasn’t even scared. I was admiring the warmth and brightness of the fire. So beautiful, so warm, like it was giving me a hug. My cooks immediately jumped in and put out the fire for me while I watched it slowly die off. My boss came in and was furious about the mess I caused. He said that this was the 10th time that this was happening to me. He said I was working so carelessly and I was mentally checked out. I didn’t even try to argue. I just nodded. He told me to come back to work when I’m in that mindset. He said that he was disappointed in what I became and he said that he knows I still have the skills to run this joint. But with all this shit inside my head, I don’t if I can ever recover from this.”

Ethan paused. “Dr. Hong, I feel like I told you this before. Did I?” He nodded and sighed. “You told me this last time we met Ethan,” he said. “You also said that your boss recommended this place and you said that this is a waste of your time. What else is on your mind? What about other people in your life besides your ex.” Ethan took a deep breath. 

“Before Esther and my professional life, I was practically a nobody. I never had any friends. Well, correction. I have friends but they come and go so frequently every year after summer, it feels like a fucking friend contract more than an actual deep, meaningful, friendship. I got shitty grades, I barely passed all my classes because I couldn’t focus in class and I stutter a lot for most of my childhood. The only best friend I had during my lonely childhood was my mom. On the weekend, my mom would always cook up something amazing. The house would always smell so good. From bread, soup, stocks, feasts, and snacks, it was a joy watching her work her magic. So every weekend, in the morning, I would just watch her. I paid close attention to what she was doing; trying to replicate her style whenever I tried to cook. I’ve started to fall in love with cooking. And at that moment in my last year in high school, I want to pursue culinary arts. My parents were furious. They spent all that money for me in tutoring and extracurricular activities just for them to hear me that I wanted to do something different. They were hoping I wanted to pursue some high-paying salary job, like accounting, programming, or even a doctor because of all of the tutoring I did. My mom started to cry because she felt like a failure. My dad was yelling because I was so incompetent throughout my life. I got so fed up with them, I left the house and never came back. I lived at my friend’s residence at his university for several years just so I could pursue my obsession. I worked. A lot. For the past 8 years, I worked holidays, anniversaries, weddings, celebrations, 50 hours a week, every year. But that was everything. Everything. I never feel so alive. It feels like I have a sense of belonging; like a station that I need to stay in life. There’s also the flip side of this where if I don’t succeed in this, I have to go back home and tell my family that I’ve been sacked. I never feel so afraid, in my life. And it kind of flipped the switch in my head where I was like, “Fuck you. Fuck all of you. Watch this.”

“It seems like you were completely motivated by fear,” said Dr. Hong. “It’s the fear to fail and the fear to go back to your family saying that you’ve been sacked.” Ethan wiped his eyes. He took a big breath and slowly exhaled. “Maybe. I guess. I don’t know.” Dr. Hong continues writing on his notepad. “Let’s continue.”

“One day while I was looking for new recipe books at Indigo, I stumbled upon this beautiful woman. Esther. She has the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. Her voice was warm and tender; like my mom before we separated. And her confidence was at another level. After that, the rest was history. Every month, every week, no, every day we’ve fallen deeply in love with each other. She’s my ride-or-die. My better half. She was my better half. 4 years we had been together was the most peaceful and happiest I’ve been in such a long time. She keeps me in check when I think all else in my world is falling apart, helps patch me up both physically and mentally to keep me and everyone around me safe, and always being so optimistic and helping me show where the light at the end of the tunnel would be. It’s because of her, she can make me feel confident about myself.” Ethan chuckled. “She always has those two phrases she uses when I’m ever stuck, afraid, or undervalued. She either wrapped her arms around my body and said ‘I bet on you that you can make it happen’, or poked her fingers on my side and said jokingly ‘So don’t be an idiot’. I remembered so clearly, that at our one-year anniversary, I asked her if you want to run away together. Away from all this mess and start a new chapter together. She didn’t even have any second thoughts. She only asked where. So we rented a small basement house, away from our families, and started a new life together. But I guess I carried some of my bad luggage in the process. I still don’t get how the hell she can still love me when I’m in such terrible shape that it is hard for me to love her back. There will be times I share my sparks of joy with her. But I know it’s not nearly enough. I think that’s around that time when she started to develop abandonment issues. Which I think makes it harder for her to love me. Where she used to show me where the light is, I’ll deny it. Now when I really embrace the darkness, I’m just too afraid to live and not scared of dying.

“Here you go,” Ethan finished rambling. “Now you know everything.” Dr Hong rubbed his eyes. “I don’t think that’s everything. But I have to admit, that’s a lot. Overall, I’m happy that you’re finally opening up.” Ethan sighed. “And what about those antidepressants you’re taking? You’re taking them. Right?” Ethan lay there, silently. “I’m guessing it’s a no”. Ethan shook his head. “Come on Ethan. You need to take these like we instructed you to do. I’m not giving you anymore of them because I believe you still have a fair amount. But please take them.” Ethan nodded.

After his appointment, Ethan went back to his friend’s place where he shared a studio apartment with. He went to his bed, pulled out his drawer, and grabbed his antidepressants. He reads the description, “Do not mix with alcohol”. He looked outside. It was a busy Thursday evening. People are stuck in traffic because of the snow, cars are honking at each other, and his favorite local bar down the street is open for happy hour. Ethan decides to go to the bar so he can escape his pain. He puts on his jacket and walks down the street.

He approaches the open bar where the bartender knows him because he comes almost every day. They both nodded. “Ethan. What’s up, brother? You’re getting your regular order today? 16oz Belgium draft?” Ethan nodded. “Sure thing. Just give me a few minutes. I got a party of 8 that needs a few things first.” He rushes off. While Ethan was waiting, all he heard was loud music, people cheering, laughing, and some even fun-flirting with their loved ones. He’s somewhat aware of his surroundings, but the pain he suffers is too much to numb. Suddenly, his phone vibrated. He took out his phone, accidentally grabbing his meds in the process. It’s his boss. He reads his message.

“Ethan. How you doing kiddo? It’s been several weeks so I just want to check up on you to see how you’re doing. Everyone on the team misses you. Things are not the same when you’re not around. I know you got a ton of shit on your plate right now, so don’t worry about us. We’ll hold our ground until you get back. When you get back, we’ll discuss our plan to re-invent our menu. Together. Right now, your health comes first. If you need anything, you have my number and my door’s open anytime you need me. Take care kiddo”

Ethan started to cry, but he didn’t know if it was good or bad. He’s glad that he has the support of his boss. On the contrary, his scars are so deep and painful, that it’s too hard to ignore them. All of a sudden, someone ripped his meds away from his hand and he dropped his phone in the process. It was his bartender. “What the hell’s this?” he asked while carrying Ethan’s drink. He reads the label. The bartender sighs. “Look, Ethan. I can’t have you be like this. You’re not allowed to bring any of this stuff into our organization and you know that. I’m going to let you off with a warning since you’re here so often. But please put this away.” He handed Ethan his antidepressants. Ethan puts it away in his back pocket. The bartender gives him his drink but keeps a close eye on him during his time at the bar today. Ethan orders a few more drinks. Way more than he usually does just to try to numb the pain. The music, laughter, and cheering in the background become nothing but white noise to him

It is 11 pm and Ethan is struggling to get back to his place. He had 2 shots of tequila on top of the beer he ordered. When he got off the elevator, he started to see double and losing his balance. He used the walls to feel his way back to his place which was located at the end of the hallway. On the way, the voices and memories are coming back into his head. His parents arguing him, Esther smiling, his boss’s frustrations on him, the sounds of the roaring ovens at work, the ticket printer that won’t stop printing, the warm stovetop fire, the cold winter night where he sat and looked up into the sky. He somehow made it to the door. He grabbed his keys and tried to unlock the door. He can’t seem to unlock the door. Suddenly, he completely loses his balance and falls face-first on the floor. He lay there cold, drunk, and nearly lifeless. 

A stranger who lives on the same floor as Ethan went out to see what happened. “Oh my God,” she said. Ethan barely heard her. The stranger has a bottle of warm water. She helped Ethan sit upright and gave him some water while she unlocked his door for him. Ethan groaned in pain. He looked up and, in his blurry vision saw a young woman who may looked like Esther. The stranger crouched down. “Hey,” she said. “You good?”. Ethan responded, “Esther. Where you used to show me where the light is, I’ll deny it. Now when I really embrace the darkness, I’m just too afraid to live and not scared of dying. I’m sorry.” The stranger was confused. She took her water bottle and went back to her apartment. Ethan crawled through his door and closed the door. He locked the door and just sat on the floor, crying, numbing the pain, and trying to make sense of it all.